Why the Car Ride Home Can Be Difficult for Athletes
For many young athletes, the car ride home after a game or competition can be worse than any poor performance or moment of failure. Parents naturally want to help, encourage, or teach. But for many athletes, these conversations create a sense of pressure, criticism, or disappointment.
Most athletes need time to decompress after competition.
For the past several hours they have been in an elevated mental, emotional, and physical state.. They need time and space to return to a calm and neutral state of mind. We often recommend a “2-Hour Rule”, meaning that you and your athlete wait 2 or more hours before talking or reviewing the game/competition.
This means you, the parent, resist the urge to immediately analyze the game. Your athlete has likely replayed key moments in their mind long before they got into the car. Striking while the coals are still hot often backfires, especially if your athlete is coming off a tough loss or a performance they are unhappy with. Even if they performed well, there is value in letting them “come back down” before talking about how they competed.
When it is time to discuss or review your child’s performance, remember that the goal of the discussion should not be to analyze the entire game. Instead, it should help your athlete reflect, learn, and stay motivated.
The “Traffic Light” Method
This method helps athletes think for themselves while giving parents a simple structure for guiding the conversation.
Instead of reviewing everything that happened, your child (NOT you) uses the colors of a traffic light to help them identify specific things about their performance that they want to stop doing, keep doing, and start doing. Here is a visual you can share with your athlete as you help them use this method. .
- 🔴 STOP – One thing they want to stop doing
- 🟡 KEEP – One thing they want to keep doing
- 🟢 START – One thing they want to start doing
Using the Traffic Light Method keeps the discussion focused, constructive, and athlete-driven.
Step 1: Let Your Child Lead the Conversation
This method works best when parents create space for the athlete to think.
Try to:
- Allow your child to do the thinking
- Ask your child for their perspective
• Avoid jumping into critiques or technical feedback, chances are they have already heard from their coach and/or teammates
• Resist the urge to immediately analyze the game, they most likely have already ran through the replays in their own head before they even got into the car with you
IF they ask for your opinion or advice, you can share it—but wait for them to ask first.
This approach builds:
✔ Ownership of improvement
✔ Problem-solving skills
✔ Internal motivation
Step 2: Use the Traffic Light Questions
Once your child has had a few minutes to decompress, ask them to choose one item for each color.
🟢 START
“What is ONE thing you want to start doing in your next practices or competitions?”
Examples:
- Communicating more with teammates
- Being more assertive or aggressive
- Blocking out distractions
- Refocusing after mistakes
🟡 KEEP
“What is ONE thing you did well today that you want to keep doing?”
Examples:
- Hustling every play
- Using routines to mentally prepare for the game/competition
- Supporting teammates
- Executing a specific skill well
🔴 STOP
“What is ONE thing you want to stop doing?”
Examples:
- Blaming others for my mistakes
- Rushing decisions
- Negative self-talk
- Losing focus during key moments
Why This Method Works
Young athletes develop faster when they learn to evaluate their own performance.
When parents or other adults immediately provide feedback, athletes can become:
- Defensive
- Passive
- Dependent on external evaluation
By contrast, asking thoughtful questions that promote self-reflection helps athletes develop:
- Self-awareness
• Decision-making skills
• Emotional regulation
• Long-term confidence
Over time, athletes who learn to reflect this way become more resilient and self-directed.
A Simple Script for Parents
If you want a quick way to start the conversation, try something like:
“When you think about how you performed today, what’s one thing you want to START doing at your next practice/game/competiton?”
“What’s something you did well that you want to KEEP doing?”
“What’s something you might want to STOP doing?”
Then listen.
You may be surprised how thoughtful your child’s answers can be.
A Final Thought for Parents
Your child’s sport experience should be a place where they learn, grow, and build confidence.
The most helpful role a parent can play is often not coach, critic, or analyst—but curious supporter.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply ask a good question and listen.
About White House Sport Psychology
White House Sport Psychology works with athletes, parents, and teams to help develop the mental skills that support performance, resilience, and healthy sport experiences.
We help athletes build skills such as Grit, Resilience, and Mental Toughness so that they can compete with confidence, move past mistakes, overcome perfectionism, and effectively manage stress, pressure, and excessive expectations.
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